This is one of those days, the ones that stink, rather like last months out of date milk, left in the fridge whilst you're away visiting the parents, only to be found upon ones return in a state of cheese formation.
Sat contemplating all the things I've been doing wrong recently, rang the mum and got sound advice, which consisted of telling me to stop thinking so much, concentrate of my university degree and my horse riding and don't worry cause "he's home soon" and it'll all be fine once that happens.
Well that last bit I really hope so. He's home in only 4 weeks time, but it's been an awful long time in this weird situation and I do wonder how we are going to both react to yet another new situation, all be it a more normal one. As the time to him arriving draws closer, I can't help but feel nervous. I really don't want to be, but I know that the nerves are going to be there. They'll be directly in range with those nerves one gets, when going on a date with that person you've been eyeing up for months, in the hopes they'll ask you out and when they finally do, the cool calm exterior turns to a car crash in her best heels and frock.
This talking from experience, when I so graciously choked on my expensive french cuisine, whilst over enthusiastically laughing at one of my date's jokes, which if I recall wasn't even that funny.
Anyway, put it this way, I'm going to be bloody nervous and I have no idea how it is going to turn out. No amount of dissecting, thinking or planning is going to give me the answer (I have since found this out after spending the last two hours doing just that). Even after an almost crazed cleaning spree, which culminated in me washing my shower whilst standing in it having a kind of cleaning the shower, shower myself (it's odd but surprisingly practical), the incessant brain bantering would not bugger off. So I thought of the only thing possible to do that usually fixes this, sit down and write something.
Before I began this I wrote a list of things I think are not making me "very me" at the minute:
1. Moaning about having to have a job and do a degree at the same time...I have realised that I'm not really that bad off with a job, a lot of my student classmates do not have a job and in turn have resigned themselves to lives with the nutritional input of carrots, humous, crackers, baked beans and vodka. Also have met some pretty amazing peeps through this, so not all bad at all!
2. Not being myself enough. This one was thought up after sound advice from the mum. After spending the evening down the local pub, she noted how people had mentioned how nice her daughter was. She told me it was because I was just being myself and that myself is a great person, who should make more appearances. So that is what I'm going to do, put my "myself" jumper on, on a more permanent basis.
3. STOP churning. Oh those brain cells of mine, they do think they're making bloody lurpak a lot of the time. I know it might seem odd to talk about one's own brain cells like that, but often I do feel a constant self battle to tell them to just shut the hell up! I've decided to remember, that once something has happened, there is nothing I can do to change it and no amount of butter making will make me feel any better.
Well after all this self advising, I feel a lot better than I did a few hours ago.
Through the vast array of new situations I have found myself in, in the last six months (often taking me out of my comfort zone), I think at times I have forgotten to simply just be myself, stop worrying and start feeling happy, because really I've got an awful lot of good things in my life, even if they are a little bit unconventional at the present time.
I think perhaps I may just decide to cut butter out this year. xxx
