Well here I am sat back on a train again and it feels only fitting that I should feel like writing something. Lately it's only been this blog that's been getting the attention, poor little Eva has been left in the cold...funny thing I've really not felt like writing about her since he's been gone. I can only speculate it is one of two things:
1. I'm no longer single and am very happy.
2. She is/was my outlet when I'm feeling the need to rant about my life through someone else's shoes, however life recently has been like living in someone else's shoes!
Since moving to Manchester there's been an awful lot of things going on!! However, they have all been things that have taken me a long way from my comfort zone. Rather like when you go to a party where you don't know anyone, the pseudo utter bullshit conversation emerges, but it is common courtesy to talk this utter bullshit to people you don't really know...this is what the english call polite isn't it?...but I have to say through all the difficult getting to know people conversations, I have met and made some pretty amazing friends and Manchester isn't feeling so much like some place I've found myself lost in.
Recently a friend came to visit and I actually realised how unlike myself I had been being lately. Whilst he was staying I felt myself again and for the first time in ages I actually really relaxed.
I knew it was never going to be easy moving to a new place so far from everything I know and having already established my life somewhere else, doing it all again is so much harder. Cue the call to mummy and then best friend...
"I'm going through the hardest time of my life, new job, new uni, new friends, no family, no boyfriend and no best friends"...
She was quick to tell me...it was me who was determined to get as far away from the homeland as possible and that of course it was going to be hard, but I'd made my choice so I had to get on with it and make the best of it....oh and 'he'll be home soon'.
I've been hearing that statement an awful lot lately. Best friend conversation went pretty much the same way. They were both right, I'd actively chosen places at opposite ends of the country for my university choices but jeez even having my cat around would be good, just some familiarity!
Oh god the crave of "normal" stuff is immense some days, but then I think oh yes I live here now, I have to make my own sense of normality and lately I've been slowly managing that. When I walk through Manchester it feels normal now, rather like the first day I felt normal in London. It was when I was walking along Tottenham Court Road, all of a sudden I realised it felt completely normal and I didn't feel like a tourist anymore, that and the fact I now was like an over zealous law enforcer to anyone standing on the left hand side of the escalator and I'd suddenly taken a great interest in the ability to read a newspaper on a crammed train at rush hour.
The train is just pulling out of Manchester, the rain is pouring outside (familiar sight I'm realising in Manchester) and memories of a few months ago are trickling back to me. The funny thing is I've not actually been on a train since he left, the last time I was on this one going this way, was when I was with him, he was fast asleep next to me with his head on my shoulder happily drooling away, off to London to wish him goodbye.
With Christmas only a few days away I'm feeling very excited to be seeing my friends, family (which includes the dogs, cats and horses), however I'm a little sad that our first christmas has to be spent apart, with just a Skype call to suffice as a xmas together....hmmm yeh Skype I've already mentioned how me and Skype feel about each other...oh and I think the constant swearing at my mobile has actually had dire effects, as it has decided today that it will not switch on....oops!
It is odd the longer he stays away, the more accepting I am of it and I'm not sure how it is going to feel seeing him again. Don't get me wrong I really want him to come home, I just don't know what my face will do when I see him...fall on the floor hysterically crying, jump up and down clapping like some mad sea lion or just stand there staring vacantly with my mouth wide open? Lots of emotions and feelings have passed through me since he's been gone, sad, lonely, angry (very at some points....mainly at my electrical communication devices), excited thinking about him coming home, utterly miserable and thinking why me? Two weeks ago I was howling down the phone to my mum "why me, I just want him home now, I'm fed up with this now....." and it went on like that for a whole half hour, until eventually she got a hold of the situation and calmed me down. Not sure what I'd do without my mum/counsellor! However, the last few weeks things have got a bit easier, I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps because I'm going home, perhaps because it's xmas or perhaps because 'he'll be home soon'.
I'm really not sure how I planned or thought it would be moving to such a new place, so far away from everyone and everything I knew...all my familiarity and meeting such an amazing man was never included in my pre move brainstorming. It just shows you can never speculate or plan how things are going to turn out.
It has been a very new experience and one of the hardest I think I've had to encounter, but I think I'm slowly getting used to it, the missing piece however is still in Australia but....'he'll be home soon' :) xx
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